Perspectives on Desire
by wren10514
Summary: Not as pretentious as it sounds from the title honest. My attempt to write what it really feels like to realise you're gay mild slash
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: the puppies belong to JK the lucky girl. This involves slash - don't like, don't read.

Flames welcome, but please say something...ANYTHING. Especially if you hate it, but at least tell me why. (sorry going through my desperate writer phase).

Oh and I have a thing about writing "the end" on the end of stuff (blame my schooling), but this is complete after chapter 2.

**Perspectives on Desire**

**Sirius**

They say that coming out to your first person is one of the hardest things you can ever do.

When that first person is you it's nigh on impossible.

I had managed for a very long time to convince myself that I was not gay. Don't get me wrong, I have never had anything against the gay world, it was just something that happened to other people. It hadn't occurred to me that it could ever apply to _me_. I liked other boys' clothes, or style, or haircut. I wanted those things for myself, I didn't want the boy – only gay guys wanted other men and I wasn't gay so I couldn't want them. When I saw some fit Quidditch player I just admired their skill, not really their legs, and definitely not the broad chests you could see straining under their robes. I liked girls. I could prove it. In the first couple of years of Hogwarts there had been any number of girls who I had hung around with in that juvenile sense of going out. One after the other they would eventually get bored of hanging round my friends or I would let them go in the nicest possible way. I even kissed most of them; since that's what you were supposed to do with girls…it was alright I guess. Kind of squishy and wet and they always wanted to hug and stuff, but I went along with it. Even managed to convince myself that it was something I wanted, undoubtedly, the second it got past an occasional snog would be the time I would "go off" a girl and return for a little while to blissful single-hood.

Well Ok not quite blissful. Single life gave me time to think. The space away from a slavering girl would be pleasant for a while, but soon enough I would notice on some level that I was not looking for another girl. James and Peter were constantly talking about girls and looking at girls: they were girl obsessed. When I was going out with someone it would be fine, I would do girlfriend talk with them, but when I was single I suddenly had nothing to talk about: I didn't see the appeal. It was when this got too strong that I would run out and find a girl again, so then I would be normal again.

The strange thing is I never thought Remus wasn't normal. Well of course he wasn't normal, he's a werewolf, but he never had girlfriends and I never thought about it really at the time. He always said that no girl would want him if they knew what he was and he did have that pretty huge secret to keep so I guess I just assumed that was why he never joined in the girl talk. Anyway he seemed to like girls – he had loads of female friends. James was furious for a little while when he found out Remus and Lily were close, but he got over it (I'm just glad he never found out about the crush Lily had on Remus).

So time passed and eventually I gave up on girls altogether. My excuse was that I needed to study, first for OWLs and then for NEWTs, and I believed it myself, but in truth I was just relieved. I started to spend more time with Remus since he wasn't running off with girls all the time either. He was so different from James, but I found I liked it his quiet studiousness. I would make excuses to be alone with him (I needed his help in Charms, I wanted to plan a surprise prank on James) and managed to convince myself that these excuses were true. I would watch his carefully composed mask and occasionally would see it slip and let his wolf side peek out. He would lift his head before someone entered, would carry piles of books that I would have needed a truck for, would forget to light a lamp and I would find him reading in almost pitch darkness. It was these slips I waited for, thinking I was fascinated by his werewolfness, but in reality the thought of that wild look in his eyes pierced me to the core till I was completely under his spell.

And then everything changed.

It was the end of the seventh year and we'd just finished our last exam. There was a carnival atmosphere in the air as everyone planned the night's celebrations. Seventh years, after their exams, were allowed to come and go to Hogsmede as they pleased so most were heading into town. James and Peter were going on a double date with Lily and Marie, but I had decided not to join them, not fancying being the fifth wheel. I was looking for Moony to ask what he was doing when I saw them. Moony hugging a third year girl called Cheryl. He spun her around and gave her a kiss and seemed so happy.

My heart froze.

No it's OK, I told myself, I'm just surprised. I' glad for Moony. Really. I am.

I wasn't glad for Moony. I was jealous as hell. And not of Moony, of Cheryl. I wanted Remus' arms around me like that, I wanted him to look at me like that, I wanted to be the one kissing him.

I couldn't let myself feel those things. I managed to convince myself I was jealous of him. I was the only one now without a girlfriend, looked like I would be celebrating on my own. God I needed a drink.

"Hey Sirius!" Remus was walking over, beaming. "What you up to tonight? You going with James and Pete?"

I tried to look happy, it was the end of exams, only three days left till we would leave Hogwarts forever. "Nah, was going to go get drunk in proper student fashion."

Remus laughed at that. "Sounds like a plan. Mind if I join this mission?"

I knew it was a bad idea, there couldn't have a worse idea, but I couldn't think of a reason why. "Course. Come on we better get changed."

Men cannot discuss their feelings, least of all with other men. This is a well known, if erroneous fact. The truth is that men discuss their problems just like women and especially with other men, but as a boy you are not told this. You are expected to find it out for yourself. Large amounts of beer help this process.

I woke up the next morning too hung over to even groan. This proved I had either a) had a very good night, b) done something very stupid, or c) both of these. I lay prone in bed, smelling my own sweat, smoke and stale beer trying to piece together what had happened the night before. I couldn't remember how I got into bed, or for that matter how we had got back to Hogwarts. For that matter I couldn't remember Remus getting back to Hogwarts. In a panic I flung my head to the side, almost knocking my brains out and putting me in serious peril of throwing up all over my bed, but confirming the Moony was indeed sound asleep in his bed.

I relaxed a little and decided to try working forwards rather than backwards. I remembered walking down to Hogsmede, remembered getting some food, going to the bar…a few drinks…a few more drinks…convincing Miss Rosmerta the barmaid to dance with me…a few more drinks…deciding what the night needed was music and trying to get everyone in the bar to sing "Congratulations" with me. I winced a bit at that, remembering the look on Moony's face. There were flashes on some other stuff, but I needed a drink and a shower. Hauling myself out of bed I lunged towards the bathroom, still trying to remember. We had been kicked out eventually: I remembered that as I drank three glasses of water. As I stepped in the shower I remembered that we had decided the best way to get back without being seen roaring drunk was through the Shrieking Shack. Wiping the fog off the mirror I met my own eyes and suddenly I remembered something else. The look in Remus' eyes after I…

Holy fucking shit! I snogged Remus! Right outside the fucking stupid fucking damn stupid fucking portrait hole!

I tried to convince myself that I was just drunk and horny. That it was beer goggles. That I didn't fancy him.

But then I remembered those soft lips on mine and the way his tongue responded. How it wasn't wet or squishy, but as comfortable and natural as coming home. All the pieces started to fall into place. I tried to deny it, tried to tell myself it wasn't happening, but things kept popping to mind: the way I ran as soon as girls got touchy feely, the way I watched my favourite Quidditch players…

The feral look in his werewolf eyes…

"Shit on a stick I'm gay."

This is not the sort of news you should get while hung over. After I had finished throwing up I felt a lot better and sat on the bathroom floor to contemplate my new predicament. Could it really be true? A test, how about snogging a boy? Well it was quite clear I could handle that. How about seeing guys naked? Picture a fit guy…oh yes that's nice…OK that's a definite sign. Aha! But could I stomach shagging a guy? I got a certain amount of physical proof thinking about that and had to admit defeat.

Strangely, though I didn't feel too bad about it. In fact I found myself smiling, sat their semi naked on the chill bathroom floor, my brain threatening to pound its way out through my temples. I found myself thinking about Remus, about all the time we had been spending together, about how well we got along, about the look he got on his face when he was concentrating and how frail he looked after the transformation.

The look in his eyes after I snogged him.

I was glad I was still near the loo. Crap what did that look mean? Through the blur of drunken memory all I could discern was that he was surprised: to be expected after having one of your best friends kiss you. He didn't seem horrified, but he could have been in shock: he didn't seem especially pleased either. What was I going to do?

The first thing I did was clean my teeth. Standing up was an issue and as a result James was pounding on the door asking if I was dead by the time I finished.

"Oh so you are dead," he said as I opened the door.

"Funny. Remus around?" I wasn't sure what answer I was hoping for.

"Nah, he went down the hall to the fifth year bathroom. Jesus Black you look like shit. What happened last night?"

I didn't even know I was going to say it. "I kissed Moony. Did you have a good time with Lily?"

James pushed me back and made me sit down on the nearest bed (his) and stood over me. "Excuse me did I hear you right?"

I thought I might throw up again. "Probably. I kissed Moony. I think I'm gay."

I think I was in shock. James certainly seemed to think the world had gone mad, but I'll hand it too him he coped very well. He sat next to me on his bed and kept remarkably calm. "How long have you thought you might be gay?"

"Since this morning, maybe last night. Hell, the more I think about it I think maybe forever."

James took a deep breath. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. "I haven't really though about it myself yet."

"Well you know none of us will think of you any differently. And if Peter does, me and Moony'll see to him."

I looked at him, surprised. "You think Moony'll still want to talk to me after I kissed him?"

James shrugged. "Course. I can't imagine there's anything you two can't sort out between you."

Light shone at the end of the tunnel. "Cheers James."

"No worries."

I sat there for quite a while in a haze. It could be alright. Everything would be alright as long as Remus would still be my friend, he didn't need to love me, I just had to have him in my life in some way.

Eventually I put on some clothes and headed down to breakfast: well lunch. The fry-up made me feel a million times better, but the lack of Moony made me nervous. What if he was avoiding me? I couldn't blame him, but I had to do something. I decided the best thing would be to take him some food as I had so often done when he was too exhausted after the full moon to come down for his own. I found him sprawled asleep on top his covers in the early afternoon heat and paused to take in the beautiful sight: covered only by a thin t-shirt to hide the worst of his scars and his boxers, his back rising slowly in the gentle rhythm of sleepy breathing, his arms and legs twisted into unlikely positions an even golden brown against the white of his sheets. A sigh escaped me involuntarily and quietly I set the tray I was holding down on the bedside table, before settling myself gently on the edge of the bed.

I shook his shoulder. "Remus? Hey Moony?"

"Hnuh?"

"Hey, I brought you some food."

"Food?" His voice sounded hopeful as he cautiously tried to raise himself up on his elbows. A light came into his eyes when he smelt the full English I'd brought him and he struggled up to sitting, placing the tray on his lap and diving in without another word.

He hadn't asked me to leave so I stayed and watched his ravenous demolition of his breakfast, waiting for an opportunity to present itself. Once the majority of food was gone he started to slow down and I noticed he kept sneaking glances at me. I couldn't tell what those glances meant, but I knew the time had come for me to speak.

The only problem was my throat had closed up. I was completely incapable of making an intelligible sound. I settled for, "Erk…"

Remus raised an eyebrow, looking at me full in the face for the first time since the snog. This did not help my language problems, but I managed to squeeze out "I think we need to talk."

He merely nodded, waiting for me to go on. Over breakfast/lunch I had decided to just come out with it, that I didn't know I was gay, but now I did and I hoped he didn't think less of me. All that deserted me in favour of "I'm sorry. About last night…"

A pause. I physically couldn't say any more and prayed he would say something to release this lump in my throat.

"What are you sorry about?"

Had I done something else? Surely I couldn't have done anything else worth this kind of morning after apology. Still there were big bits of the night I couldn't remember… I guess I would just have to come out with it and pray that I hadn't done something worse.

"I'm sorry I…kissed you."

"Why?"

This just confused me. "Why what? Why did I kiss you or why am I sorry?"

He shrugged and got the strange impression he was enjoying this. "Either. Both."

This wasn't how it was supposed to go. I was supposed to be confessing, he wasn't supposed to be teasing like it didn't matter.

"Well I kissed you because I was drunk, but it also turns out I did it cos I think I might be gay, though I didn't know it till this morning. And I'm sorry cos I figured you're not."

I was tempted to storm out. Today was not being nice to me. I was hung over, had just realised I was gay and the guy I fancied not only couldn't be interested, but was teasing me about it. I compromised by standing, but not leaving.

Remus stood too, but slower. He was looking down so I couldn't see his face, but I felt sure he was about to do something horrible. James had been wrong, Remus would hate me now I had come out to him and make me promise never to go near him again. I could sleep on the common room sofa I supposed till the end of term: use one of the other dorm's bathrooms. Better yet I could just stay in the Shack till term was over, spare everyone having to see me.

This all passed through my head in the seconds it took for Remus to stand and lift his eyes to mine.

Those eyes! Those feral eyes with a smile to match bored into my soul and made me catch my breath. I was glad I had eaten as my stomach seemed to leap inside me, and hot blood rushed through my body, making my fingers tingle. He was coming closer and my breath quickened as he cupped the nape of my neck with one hand, pulling me towards him…

If my memories of our drunken snog was enough to make realise I was gay this kiss was almost enough to make me come. As his tongue sought out mine I tasted the spicy sausage he'd just had for breakfast, but under that something so exquisitely Remus that anything else was just extra. Unbidden, my hands found his hips and drew him closer till I could feel every part of him through his flimsy clothes. All of a sudden I knew for certain I had never, and would never be attracted to girls – how could they compete with this hardness against mine.

Eventually we pulled apart, just barely, and gasped for breath. My eyes never left his. I wanted to stay in that moment forever.

Moony smiled, all feral nature gone and no less beautiful to me. "I think we need to not talk for a awhile."

7


	2. Chapter 2

**Remus**

Desire is something that happens to other people. I never really understood what people meant when they said they fancied someone at school. I thought I did, but looking back I can see wasn't feeling what everybody else felt. Hardly surprising really: passion, like rage, are ruled by the wolf in me and I kept that part of me under tight control every moment I was with humans. It scared me then to even think what might happen if I let it loose.

Of course it had to happen sooner or later: I was an eighteen-year-old boy.

That day I had stopped to congratulate Cheryl on her mark in Charms and noticed Sirius sulking by himself. I had been tutoring Cheryl for months and was thrilled with her results, but declined her offer of a drink. I would be leaving Hogwarts forever all too soon and wanted to spend every moment of that time with my friends. Lately those friends had mostly turned out to be just Sirius, since James and Peter were always doing romantic and unspeakable things with their girlfriends, but I didn't mind. Sirius was never single for very long and I liked to take the opportunity to spend time with him whenever I could. Before they had all found out what I was I had thought the same of Sirius as pretty much everyone did; he was handsome and charming, fun to be around, but that was about it. After they learned my secret though I saw a whole other side to him, making me realise how James had managed to suffer his exuberance and talent for trouble for so long. James and Peter took a week or two to come to terms with what I was, the idea that their friend wasn't even human shaking their sense of reality, though they tried hard not to show it. On the other hand I don't think Sirius even realised it was something to adjust to. He treated me just the same as he always had, except now the last of the distance disappeared between us. He trusted me with his troubles just as I could now trust him and I came to see a serious side to Sirius Black, the side where all his fun-loving charm was stripped away to reveal the person underneath.

That person became my friend and when I saw his animagus form for the first time I remember feeling the rightness of it somehow. Because of Padfoot's form, he and my wolf form bonded in ways that were simply not possible across the huge gulf of species between the wolf and my other friends, though I never felt them to be less important to me. And yet in spite of all that I never thought of Sirius as anything more than one more of my friends. I didn't get jealous when he had girlfriends, though I missed his company a little and so decided to join his drinking quest that night even though I didn't really drink for fear of losing inhibitions I could ill afford to lose.

On the other hand it turned out I had been pretty accurate when I had called Sirius's plans to have a drink a mission: he seemed to be trying very hard to drink himself to death in one night, and though he seemed to enjoy it I could not say the same for the rest of the bar. He quizzed me mercilessly on my relationship with Cheryl no matter how many times I told him I was just her tutor, and then decided to be supportive, telling me over and over how happy he was for me, despite me reminding him every five seconds that I had no interest in Cheryl. We eventually got chucked out after one of the other patrons threatened to hex Sirius beyond all recognition if he dared sing one more bar of "Congratulations".

As I dragged him back to the castle via the Shrieking Shack tunnel he changed the repetition to tell me not to forget him and that he would miss me. I had never heard Sirius speak this way and it was kinda cute to see him so stripped of his brash exterior – if he hadn't got that one stuck on the loop.

Needless to say it came as something of a surprise to find his lips on mine as we stood outside the portrait hole, and even more of a surprise to find myself responding perfectly naturally to him. I reeled as he pulled away suddenly, disappearing through the portrait hole before I had even realised what had happened.

I think I stood there for a long time, long enough at least for James and Lily to bump into me as they groped each other along the hall. I think James asked if I was okay, but I've no idea how I replied, disappearing as fast as Sirius had and slipping upstairs to bed, though not to sleep. Who could sleep with such a thing to think about. A life's work of repression had been cracked: barely nicked really, but finally I could see through to what was really there. It must have been almost dawn when I could finally stop feeling Sirius's lips on mine and light was seeping past the curtains before I had decided how I felt about him in return.

Desire was not just something that happened to other people any more…

I decided that fate was a bitch, but an extremely funny bitch: not only a werewolf, but a _gay_ werewolf! Someone was definitely pissing themselves laughing over this one, but I decided to join them and chuckled as I finally rolled over and fell asleep.

I guess in my own amusement I had not thought about how Sirius would feel. I had thought he would see the funny side too, and happily teased him about it when I finally woke up. I guess I was wrong, but I knew how to show him the fun side if not the funny side and I think he understood.


End file.
